Mom rage… a common experience that is minimized and shamed far too much.
I talk to a lot of my clients about rage. I think it’s far more common than anyone lets on. It’s also something that is commonly minimized and laughed off as a hard day. However, when we don’t have honest conversations about big feelings, such as rage, they become isolating, hidden and are accompanied by guilt. If we collectively acknowledged that almost all moms have moments of rage, we could do more to actually support each other. When you speak about things that make you feel isolated, avoidant and guilty, these feelings begin to lose their power and begin to be replaced by connection, ideas, and hope.
What exactly is mom rage?
I’m not going to offer the proper psychological definition here but rather a description of what I have experienced.
The first signal of rage is a heat or fire building within. Clear, logical thinking quickly escapes you and is replaced by a more primitive and animalistic response. This may be a scream or a physical action such as throwing whatever is in your hand as hard as you can on the floor. If you were a bottle, your top just hit the roof and anyone in a 12 foot radius better take cover or reap the consequences of getting in the way. In other words, you have just lost your shit and it’s gonna take some time to simmer down.
My now 4 & 6 year old girls love to label my moments of rage as a “Mom Tantrum” and they couldn’t be more accurate! Just like our toddlers melt down when their nervous system melts into dysregulation, so do we.
When this happens… which has become far less since I have started to recognize the earlier symptoms of my nervous system dysregulating, I remove myself from the situation and go somewhere quiet to lay down and allow my nerves to settle. Sometimes it’s 5 minutes others times it takes an hour. But no matter the duration, giving myself permission to recalibrate is so important. I also view this as a beautiful way to model nervous system hygiene, taking care of our nervous system needs, for my girls.
Does this scene look or sound familiar to you?
If you can say yes, you know mom rage AND you are also still an amazing mother. Mom rage doesn’t define you, it is a symptom many experience within the stress and chaos of motherhood. There is much you can do to learn through this but none will have much effect until you begin to recognize and respond to YOUR nervous system needs above all else.
Here are some things that have helped me work through mom rage once I recognized it as poor nervous system management on my part:
-Getting comfortable asking for help and support. You need more than you are likely ever going to feel comfortable asking for but overwhelmed moms have more rage. Mom’s who ask and receive more support, have less.
-Work on building your awareness of the building fire within and listen to its cues. This fire isn’t building to stoke what you are doing, it’s building as a reminder to go cool off before you explode
-Begin a cooling off ritual. Ideally, you do this ritual each day whether you are needing a cooling off time or not. This could be standing on a patch of grass staring at the sky for 5 minutes or laying in bed with a weighted eye mask as you listen to your breath flowing in and out. It’s not what you do that matters, it is taking the time for a nervous system reset EVERYDAY!
-Finally, talk to your children about what they saw. I found it best to explain how I was feeling that led to the actions they saw and how I, just like them, have moments when my behavior is not what I would like it to be. I then model productive ways to reset as mentioned above. This is a KEY way to help your children understand the spectrum of normal human behavior, improving their emotional intelligence!
If you experience intense or reoccurring “mom rage” and are finding it challenging to navigate, please do not hesitate to reach out to me at Hilary@hv-holistichealth.com! We can explore more personalized ways to productively shift you out of the “mom-rage” cycle.
You got this mama and support is always around if you ask for it!
Xo,
Hilary
