I arrived into motherhood like many… without a whole lot of thought about what my experience of motherhood would be like or how I wanted to approach being a mother. I just arrived one day- September 18, 2016 to be precise.
I spent my pregnancy focused on how I would birth. My husband and I both shrugged off planning for and thinking a whole lot about postpartum and parenthood. We sort of rested on the fact that we are good humans, we are resourceful and intelligent and that we could figure it out as we went. Ultimately we agreed there wasn’t a whole lot we could even prepare for.
And you know what, we were REALLY fortunate! My first postpartum experience was ease-ful (if that’s a word). It felt on one hand overwhelming but on the other completely manageable. Yes, there was a new rhythm to life that we were adjusting to but it didn’t feel unmanageable. I worked a little bit less but the whole vision of figuring it out as we go was panning out. I was still doing the work I loved, I felt fulfilled by the amount of time I was able to be with my daughter, I was active and felt healthy.
So naturally we felt it was time to give our daughter a sibling and sure enough, within a couple months I was pregnant. But this time it came with a bang. After a rather uneventful pregnancy and beautiful first birth, I was completely taken aback by the even deeper fatigue and sickness that dampened my pregnancy. By the third trimester I was in a ton of pain and worn out to the core. It was not horrible but it was not the same experience as my first by any means. I was sneaking naps where I could at work, barely making it through the day, then going home to lay down and attempt to prepare dinner before doing it all again. All the while, I was also consumed with working through how we would manage to move into a home of our own… like respectable parents of 2 children.
My parents had generously agreed to purchase a property with us making getting into the real estate market a viable reality. And what could be better than living next to your parents! I had a wonderful relationship with them and expected it would only be better with them right next door.
After an exhausting pregnancy contrasted with the most beautiful hospital based birthing experience, I decided I would take a full maternity leave of 12 weeks before returning to work. It was blissful except for the element of looking for a home and going through the closing process.
Upon returning to work the bliss quickly evaporated and everything felt challenging. Dropping children in 2 places, showing up exhausted, pumping and writing notes through my lunch behind closed doors as my coworkers relaxed and laughed together. I was a ghost in the office, doing the work and quickly running out the door to pick up my girls. No time for myself. No wiggle room for a breath. No socialization. No balance, just go go go. I had my head down and I would be damned if I didn’t make it look easy… it WAS NOT!
Then we moved across the island to our new multi-generational property. A place with a yard, with space to spread out and grow together as a family. So much joy and expectations. I can still feel the bursts of pride I had thinking “we are making it happen just like you’re supposed to”. The marriage, the kids, the home, the job… it was all exactly as it should be, right?!
The commute… an adjustment. But I remember telling myself “my father did forever, why can’t I”. That’s when it began. We had somehow done all the things you’re supposed to do and now it was my self-appointed job to make it look easy and beautiful. I blindly became one with the era of “do-it-all and do-it-well mothers”.
Homemade baby food, I can do it!
Exercising with my girls- I can do it!
Conscious mindful parenting- I can do it!
President of the OT Association of Hawaii- I can do it!
Growing and expanding in my career, I can do it!
Meet new friends in our new neighborhood- I can do it!
Organize social events- I can do it!
Go to the farmers market to cook the beautiful meals- I can do it!
Run an eco-friendly, climate-conscious home- I can do it!
I can do ALL the things!
Then came the end of 2019 and it all started to crumble. I remember asking my husband if I was going crazy… if perhaps I had undiagnosed postpartum anxiety or depression. (I likely had PPA) I was doing all the things but it felt vapid, like I was going through the motions of what a modern mother is expected to do.
If you asked me at that time “who are you?”. My reply would have been “I’m Victoria and Gwen’s mom” or “I’m the president of the OTAH” or “I’m a conscious mindful parent”. Unfortunately, none of those things were who I was, they were simply what I was doing… my roles.
I was losing myself in motherhood. I didn’t actually have any idea who I was. I was going through the motions trying to be all the things at one time but never pausing to ask myself, my soul… what I really wanted to be. If a thought came up asking those bigger questions, it got promptly squashed by inner beliefs that “ I can do this”, “this is what the right thing to do is”, “you have a path, stick to it”.
That sense of vapidness, was the feeling of trying to find myself, my new sense of self, after becoming a mother but not allowing myself to get uncomfortable and go deep into the feelings because it’s freaking scary. So instead I stayed the typical, do what everyone else is doing course.
The acknowledgement that who you were before kids and who you are after kids vastly changes, is not an easy one. But it IS part of the process of finding yourself within motherhood.
What I desired for my life simply was not the same. But for me, it was like I had committed to this path so I must follow it or I would be letting people down. In reality the only one I was letting down and the one I was hurting the most was ME!
The first acknowledgement on the path to regrasping my sense of self in motherhood was the realization that I had NOT received appropriate postpartum support… not because my family didn’t support me or I didn’t seek out support but because our society is culturally lacking in the support of new moms across all socioeconomic classes but especially those making middle class or lower incomes.
My solution- become a postpartum doula. I would do better for others so they won’t struggle on the level I did. Wonderful in intention but missing the mark in terms of what I NEEDED.
Yet, I’m grateful I took on this work as a doula supporting some absolutely amazing moms in birth and postpartum. It was healing for me in many ways and it gave me the inside look to truly how lacking our maternal healthcare is. Unless you have a large amount of financial resources the postpartum care available is vastly lacking.
It is also through this work that I was guided on a more heart led path in my profession. Walking away from my good stable clinic job and opening my own women’s health practice offering a blend of doula and pelvic floor therapy services for pregnant and postpartum women. This was my second leap of faith into discovering who I am and what my soul desires within my motherhood experience.
It’s been 4 years now and this path has been one tiny part work and ten enormous parts self development and discovery. It’s been a deep dive into who I am, what I desire, and how I choose to live my life. It’s been a giant shedding of expectations, following societal norms and learning to trust my gut. Yet everytime in my life when I follow my heart and soul’s guidance, I am led to more bliss, more peace, more faith and more love in my life. My best decisions in life have been from deep within my heart and soul and far from reason.
So here I am today, recounting my path to what I can now say is my soul-aligned motherhood. It’s not a static place to arrive but there is a sense of peace and confidence and joy that arises when you have found it. For me at this time, soul-aligned motherhood is living life on my terms, shedding the expectations of society and family. It’s trusting in myself, my skills, my inner guidance system above all else. It’s waking up slowly, looking at the bright morning sky, listening to peaceful music. Nourishing my girls bodies, minds, and souls, giving them long intentional hugs. It’s getting into nature daily, writing, creating, helping mothers heal and find their soul led path. It’s going at my pace, in my direction of choice. It’s a shedding of cultural norms. It’s easing toward being a traveling family in pursuit of the place that in our hearts feels like our forever home. Not because it makes sense to others but because it feels right and good and joyful and peaceful in our souls. Soul aligned motherhood is the practice of staying rooted in who I am at this moment and moving with love through my days and weeks from that place. Because when I do, everyone around me benefits as they are coming in contact with the most beautiful, passionate, joyful, easeful and truest Hilary. Why would I want to be a mother, lover, friend, daughter, coach, healer, or human from any other place?
It is with this shift that I have said goodbye to the mother I was, the one who was overworked, overwhelmed, stressed, trying to keep up, trying to please everyone, trying to do what I’m told and living for those around her rather than from her soul.
It is the most precious act of love and care to stop being what you think you should be for others and instead begin moving from a place of deep knowing, trust and love. It is then that you are soul-aligned and everyone around you will see it, feel it and benefit from it.
From my heart to yours,
Hilary
PS: If any part of my story resonates with you and you would like to experience how I coach mothers in supporting them to RISE within motherhood to a soul-aligned life, I invite you to my free workshop
“R.I.S.E within Motherhood:
An Immersive Workshop for Embracing your Soul-Aligned Motherhood”
Thursday July 25
9am HST / 12pm PST
